the end of 2016 racing the beginning of 2017

the last few months have been such a rollercoster , as some will know ive been struggling with leg pain for months , ive pushed on thinking like every rider does that" it will be ok","your being a soft lad" , " you cant afford time off the bike ", etc etc.
it had got to the point I had led myself down a bad path,i was in pain constantly daily, I was struggling to hit my races at a decent pace and frustration was growing.I was blaming myself unwilling to except I was hurting and determined to push on. I had already dropped a lot of gym work as the pain was to much.alot of the symptoms where pointing towards piriformus syndrome and that I could live with and hopefully manage, simon and billy harriss from Tri Force Endurance ( formally sprint tri coach ) put a lot of things in place to try and minimalis the pain and keep me training whilst addressing the issue working from the information we had, but everything we tried hit a deadend.
a string of poor results had me getting frustrated with myself more than anything , why couldn't I hit those target powers, why was I not going as fast as I should be ? . it all came to a head when I had the first VC Bristol club 10 of the year , a course that's not generally suited to me but I love it , its local and its a good gauge of how I'm going.i rocked up on the tt bike in full training trim including the shameful duct taped light on the extension and winter training wheels.i felt absolutely shot from the cycle out and shuffled around avoiding warm up .I set off trying to hold my race power , but soon watched this fast disappear and no matter how much I tried to push it just got lower and lower and I finished over 30w down on my 10 power.cycling back after was a lot of chatting in my head whilst putting in the least amount of effort I could to get me back. I got home looking like I had done LEJOG not a short ride and a club ten .
It was time to admit something was very wrong , being in pain had become the norm , but it couldn't go on . I contacted team bottrill sponsor function jigsaw based in Leicester to get to the bottom of it all and hopefully give me a " we can sort this in 5 mins " diagnosis.
Tom was going to be looking after me and running through the screening process to find the problem.
we ran through the symptoms , what had been happening etc etc , then it was time to run through some different movements to gather extra info and confirm what tom was thinking.
I lied there thinking please say its nothing but as we ran through more and more things I could tell it wasn't great but I was finally going to get answers.
the next bit was what really made the difference , tom had said that I had a compressed disc in my spine and that in turn was trapping a nerve that was causing the pain down my sciatic nerve , I wanted to cry but tom was right on with solutions and ways to work around the issue which put me at ease straight away,the relief that I finally knew what was happening was massive,and despite the news it wasn't good I felt the most positive I had in months.
I spent some time in what I call the magic bath ( I'm sure it has a flash proper name but that's what I call it ) that test nerve response, the idea being the signal goes through the body showing nerve response, you should feel it through the body, but after feeling nothing at all in my left leg to then only get a response half way down the leg it was clear to me sat in there it wasn't going to be a quick road back to racing , but in honesty that was the last thing on my mind, I had a lot to think about , was this me done completely! .
tom ran through my options , each holding abit of risk some a lot some not so much , the surgery thought scared me in truth as I knew that was a proper being wiped out for ages job and in the back of my mind I was still thinking quick fix.
I left function jigsaw not quite sure what to do , I was looking for everyone else to decide what I needed to do next but it had to come from me . do I have the surgery , do I risk keeping going with a huge chance I would rupture the disc , did I give up completely , did I back off and re build , I didn't have a clue.
as we were in Leicester it was a good chance to catch up with coach matt bottrill and family which is always a bonus.matt came in with his usual enthusiastic smile expecting good news, he more than anyone has seen how much ive struggled and pushed to try and get myself on race form.hes seen the sessions if hit and the numbers I can do when I'm not hurting and focused.again I was looking for him to tell me what to do ,but that's a impossible ask of anyone ( especially a guy who was battered after a great first 70.3 race days before ) the next day I went through everyone looking for someone to make my decision but ultimately it came to me .
I had to think hard , I have a small son now who cant afford me being unable to lift him , play with him etc , its been hard enough now as I cant sit or stand in the same place for long or bend easily .
I was still hungry though I needed that race focus, I had toyed with trying to keep going , trying to tell myself I can do it like a fool, the only thing I would of done was wipe myself and make things worse , surgery wasn't something I wanted unless very last resort ( don't every google ruptured discs and replacement disc ) . the option left was back off and rehab , build myself back stronger and make sure this problem is sorted. this was the road I chose and I'm sure its the right one , I could see the relief on my wifes face who was fully expecting knowing me the way she does that I would refuse to admit defeat and just keep going till I completely destroyed myself .
it was now time to change focus to getting things sorted ,I'm truly thankful and grateful to have the likes of tri force endurance , function jigsaw and matt behind me , ive put total faith in them that a plan can be sorted that can allow me to not totally lose fitness and solve the problem and make me stronger going forward, its a big ask but I have zero doubt they will  do it nd it comes down to me to get it done.
ive fully immersed myself into my nutrition , something I can control and have dropped off of at times when ive really been struggling, I'm itching to start working on the set program and very determined to get back stronger. ive fully admitted to myself this year is done in terms of racing.i need to be sensible now and take my time. I'm even thinking next year maybe treating myself to a gorgeous giant propel road bike and doing some circuit races at castle combe though that seems seems along way off I need a focus and a future target.ive got my eye on a trip to the V718 next year and some confidence building pb chasing. its the end of this year but the beginning of next.ive got to see it as a chance to re build and get stronger , its going to be a hard few months and massively frustrating at times but I know it could of been worse.
I cant thank Simon and billy h from tri force endurance , tom and james from function jigsaw and matt bottrill for putting in the effort to get things sorted and be the voices of reason and keeping me focused and giving me the confidence that I can come back better.along with some great friends and family who I know would of supported me in whatever I decided.
time now to enjoy my mint little family and look forward to getting back to pain free cycling. I know ive tried everything to keep going and ive pushed very hard even when in a lot of pain so I can hold my head up now as I sit with my feet up abit , the hard work starts again soon and I cant wait.